spaced

i'm not too sure how i should be feeling with things so surreal. almost perfect. or so it seems. an ideal world created for myself, by myself. is it possible to walk back into his heart after being displaced?

wishful thinking

sometimes, you need someone to be there. not just anyone.

realisation

it dawned on me that i too have been dwelling on the past. that i've been trying to hang on to whatever's left of the relationship for the wrong reasons. my resolve was fueled by his past merits. my perception was clouded by the confusion and profound misery that i was going through. either i failed to see it or my stubborn streak was at work. past merits. those little snippets of sweetness and loving moments... are no longer there. feelings have changed. priorities have changed. i'm feeling a wave of sadness and release at the same time.

doldrums

i broke down today as i turned and walked away from him. i was doing ok the past week or so. being in close proximity of him caused more heartaches. i can't comprehend why he behaved the way he did. out of pure recklessness and lack of consideration? he doesn't realise how his thoughtless actions are impacting me.

alternatives

it's clear that i can choose not to wait for someone who is unsure of himself. i can choose not to be with someone who's not sure if i'm the one. i should not be with someone who lies, who is not willing to make sacrifices, and who doesn't know what a relationship entails. i realised that i do not have to put all my eggs in one basket. though the biological clock is ticking, there's still time to explore and create opportunities for myself. and that is what i want to do.

stuck

i don't know how one can place restraints on the love they have for another. with all the negativity and uncertainties, part of me is ringing the alarm bells alerting me to protect myself. but i don't know how to be half-hearted in a relationship. so what should i do now? there are many things i don't understand. the person whom i would like to confide in is shutting me out somehow. i thought when the decision is made there would be some firmness, certainty and belief. if otherwise, how was the decision made in the first place? shouldn't you have enough foresight on the future and the person in question before choosing to stay together? if there is love, what can't we overcome with efforts from both? you can pursue your career and wants while i provide the support and encouragement. why is it that things can't co-exist?

time

is time a solution to everything? i'm not sure what to write about with a blocked mind. for a forward-looking person, being made to live each day as it comes is incredibly difficult. engulfed with fear and doubts. how do you set your mind on something and yet not be able to commit to that goal? is there an inherent flaw in that?

piece of advice

from someone who knows me surprisingly well.

1. most guys will have a tendency to stray. how they combat the straying will depend on how much they love the person and to the extent to which they stray.
2. guys make impulsive decisions based on how they feel at that point of time, and a guy's ego will always say they must come out the better party.
3. guys know that they have a longer shelf life and seek to take advantage of that situation, that is unless they genuinely feel for the girl.
4. when someone better comes along, some guys always entertain the big "if".

i don't want you to be with him just because you try to change your everything to suit him. that will forever be handing back the balance of the relationship in his favour. as your friend, i don't think that is the case or should be the case. a relationship is not akin to taking a risk if you know that he is committed to you and will remain that way. after 3 years. ignoring the recent events.

i suspect deep down inside you you already have made a subconscious decision. that this is something you will never be able to put aside, and you look for mitigating factors on his part.

what you said is right. if he did it in downtime, i think that's normal. but as things were getting better. he always had the option to say no.

let me share something with you:-

the way i see love, from a guy's perspective, is that no matter what, it has to work for us. and let's say you are indeed who you are, if i truly love you, i would know it and i would accept it and accept you as a person. otherwise, most guys should just get a pre-fabricated love doll specifically made to their whims and fancies.

true love i feel is always accepting the other party for the love they give you, and for all their other imperfections as they tolerate yours. what you're saying now is that because you have been the far from perfect companion, he has a reason to walk away from you. what i say is that you're not being fair to yourself. just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean that they aren't loving you the best they can. that is something you, and especially chris has to think about. if you want someone to love you in all idealism, i think we all have to wake up to the real world. you will change for someone if you genuinely love that person but you also need that person not to demand that change from you.

in want of both

i can't begin to describe the turmoil that you are putting me through. there are so many things i want to talk about, to try to understand. your confusion is agonising. i can't move back nor forth. while i wait, i don't know what i'm waiting for. how i should feel. if i should continue to feel. there was neither the reassurance nor the reaffirmation that i so desperately sought. instead, the blows just kept raining down. taking me by surprise. you can use my flaws and the past to justify your actions. you can discount my past and present effort. you can go for an unknown and give up on us. make a decision and let that be final.

whirlpool

i don't want to love you. i'm fighting the feeling - a weakness of the heart. i don't want to lead a life full of deceit, fear, insecurity and uncertainty. you've misplaced my trust. you've misplaced my heart. you no longer love me. not wholeheartedly anyway. i don't wish to share. i don't want to be a spare. i don't want to end up paranoid, suspicious and annoying. i don't want to be pesty, replaceable, forgettable, taken for granted... i don't want to feel this way.

incomplete

the resonance of silence, astounding. this empty vessel doesn't seem to make the most noise, does it? perhaps only those that matter. a way of reaching out, to garner support... a piller which reaches no depth would falter.

are there no reasons to emerge from inaction? does it take that much of an effort to carry out a task for the sole benefit of another? even more so, for someone you bore your heart to? why not, for once, take the focus away from your SELF? can you not hear the cries from a lonely heart? can you prevent the tears from falling? can you not sense the increasing frustration? helplessness? hopelessness? what can you do? what have you done?

suppression

matters left unresolved in the hope that time will smoothen the road? that's naivete. escapism. feel like i'm losing a part of myself. the part so full of love, optimism, and vitality. don't know when i would have to say i can't do this anymore. such a degree of suppression in exchange for little snippets of momentary happiness. so many things that money can't buy.

unseen, unheard

desperate for a channel of release yet is the strong need for such thoughts to remain unseen, unheard. there's just so much to express. i miss you so much... yet it hurts. i yearn to be in the confines of your arms... does not even necessitate the exchange of words. as whiney as i sound... i can't blame you for not being able to love me the way i want you to. forgive me for all the pain that i've caused... it hasn't been easy...

stagnation

don't even know why i'm doing this. why go through something that hurts so much. so detrimental to everything around. can neither turn back nor move forth.

separation breeds detachment. detachment, a protectionistic action?

lookin' down

it's no difficult task to point fingers and lament how much people have changed. have you ever stopped to ponder? that perhaps, it was you who failed to discover the multifaceted character beneath the facade? can friendship really withstand the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?

mistake

for all that i've done wrong, i must have done something right?

there has certainly been a mistake somewhere up there. who wired my life to perform is such a fucked up manner? seems like the sustenance of it is possible only by meals comprising pots-full of disappointments and pain. nice.

personified

without a doubt, i'm the personification of loneliness. i just wonder which is worse. actually being alone in this world, or feeling lonely while among others? basking in my own miserable existence. it's kinda addictive, i must say. like a single rose withering away in the vast, barren territory of the desert. like a buoy floating on the waters absorbing views of the horizon, waiting for the day to be pulled back onboard. or perhaps, like a newborn. wanting to be protected and loved. some things are so simple... yet profoundly complicated. just feel so alone. tiresome. real tiresome...

many a time

many a time, too many, i ponder about what my destiny would be. where life would lead me to eventually. whether things were meant to be. what happiness actually mean. life's a bitch. just how many times can one stand up again after repeated falls? the world's greatest irony has got to be: the people we hurt deeply are often always the people we love the most. great. isn't it? the chains of emotional burden strapping you down. locking you in place. slapping you hard and kicking you from behind. thank you, blackgold; for your insightful words. with support from around, things might change for the better but many times, out of pure spite, misery, despair, you show those who care the backdoor. self-destructing tendencies, they are. alienation. anti-social inclination. who's to blame?

tear ducts can't be controlled can they? perhaps my muscles somewhere in the area of the socket have not been trained enough to master the feat of preventing the precious droplets from streaming down. tiresome. tiresome... been waiting. a futile wait. a tired, lonely heart. sarcasm and indifference. my only defence mechanisms. tough to crack. multitude of hurt to be sustained in that attempt. anyway, doesn't change the fact: it has still been, a futile wait.

absence

been a while since i desperately needed an avenue of expression for all negativity. not to say that i am in need of one right here, right now. circumstances have been "kind-er" to me of late. hostility continues. heartaches remain. but perhaps, "practise makes perfect". tolerance level is up. well, who knows? that might not be the case. perhaps everything is seething below-surface waiting for the necessary trigger for release. not a good sign. not at all.