trinity of despair

friendship, kinship, relationship. i would like to call them my trinity of despair. you can't imagine the magnitude of misery and heartache i am feeling at this very moment.

i am no one's best friend. this fact has always bugged me. it is quite likely that i am just - 1) not that popular; 2) not that important; 3) not that appreciated; 4) not such a great company; 5) all of the above. i haven't got a clue about who i can seek solace in. next, is the home that i yearn to escape from. this fear of not being able to create my dream family is very real. the thought upsets me so much that sometimes i cry in my sleep. it's unbearable and suffocating. and then there's love. the kind of love that urges you to forgive, to do foolish things, to act without reason. i can hardly remember how it feels like to be in love.

inevitable separation

it shouldn't have came as a surprise. after all, the racket has been going on for the longest time. as the news start to sink in, the tears flow uncontrollably. an unspeakable and indescribable ache in the heart. an overwhelming sadness. you can never prepare yourself, even for such an inevitable separation.

alive / living

it’s always a case of miscommunication. the relationship no longer radiates the kind of hope that helps to override all the wrong. be it inexperience, personality clashes, or whatever reason(s) that we have yet to uncover. nothing beats the pain of letting go of someone whom you truly care for. it’s still an incomprehensible mystery that love actually falters when the situation calls for it to withstand the onslaughts of irrationality and helplessness. hard as you try to call out to someone, to grab hold of something… they are all out of reach. and cheesy as it sounds, you start to feel your heart and soul plunging down twenty floors, and then another ten. you are still alive but not living. or are you living but yet not alive?

spaced

i'm not too sure how i should be feeling with things so surreal. almost perfect. or so it seems. an ideal world created for myself, by myself. is it possible to walk back into his heart after being displaced?

wishful thinking

sometimes, you need someone to be there. not just anyone.

realisation

it dawned on me that i too have been dwelling on the past. that i've been trying to hang on to whatever's left of the relationship for the wrong reasons. my resolve was fueled by his past merits. my perception was clouded by the confusion and profound misery that i was going through. either i failed to see it or my stubborn streak was at work. past merits. those little snippets of sweetness and loving moments... are no longer there. feelings have changed. priorities have changed. i'm feeling a wave of sadness and release at the same time.

doldrums

i broke down today as i turned and walked away from him. i was doing ok the past week or so. being in close proximity of him caused more heartaches. i can't comprehend why he behaved the way he did. out of pure recklessness and lack of consideration? he doesn't realise how his thoughtless actions are impacting me.