in want of both

i can't begin to describe the turmoil that you are putting me through. there are so many things i want to talk about, to try to understand. your confusion is agonising. i can't move back nor forth. while i wait, i don't know what i'm waiting for. how i should feel. if i should continue to feel. there was neither the reassurance nor the reaffirmation that i so desperately sought. instead, the blows just kept raining down. taking me by surprise. you can use my flaws and the past to justify your actions. you can discount my past and present effort. you can go for an unknown and give up on us. make a decision and let that be final.